Foreword: My close friends will tell you that towards the end of college I lost a drastic amount of weight ridiculously quickly. I risked my psychological and physical health to look slim and I was ill for a long time. Even today, it’s difficult to eat and drink normally without getting anxious. I’ve been promising a blog about female beauty for a long time. Thanks for those who agreed to take part in the questionnaires that I sent out. Due to the large amount of responses, I haven’t managed to include all of your answers. I’d like to leave an uplifting and encouraging message, based not only on my past experiences and my opinion, but the opinions of REAL people; Real girls and real guys. And they’d all like to share with you the same encouraging message! Check out the website at the end of this post for a great cause and ways to participate in spreading the love ;]

Claws away girls: Women want to please other women.

I’ve never been without a boyfriend and most of them have been of a slim and/or athletic build. Being heavier than some of my boyfriends has been an insecurity of mine. But most women will agree that women are their own worst enemies. As Sefton said: “women want to feel confident around other women, not self conscious or inferior”, and Stiina agreed, claiming that women worry about their appearance “For the sake of “competition” between girls and for men, seldom for themselves”. Although every girl I spoke to claims that they’re attracted to men with nice eyes and a nice smile, girls are guilty of calling each other fat, or gossiping about how another female looks. So next time you open your mouth to comment on another girl’s appearance, take the time to think about how negative comments about how YOU look, make you feel. A number of the guys I spoke to, including Braden, stated that women often disregard the compliments their boyfriends/girlfriends give them. However all of the women I spoke to claimed that their significant other helps them feel better about themselves, more confident, sexier and happier. So keep those compliments coming ladies and gents! They mean more to us than we let on!

The ideal ‘look’

Everyone, girls and guys, pointed out the same institutions that influence the negative way in which women perceive themselves. We’re constantly watching programmes and reading magazines about how to lose weight, how to be pretty and how to be sexy. Wander past any magazine rack in the shops and you’ll see the ‘ideal woman’. Every female I’ve spoken to claims that their stomach and their hips are areas they feel very insecure about, with thighs and breast size coming a close second. Well, contrary to popular belief, many men find OTHER features other than the shape of your body, extremely attractive. Adrian said that “Eyes, hair, neck and smile” are the first things he looks for in a female, with Andy also stated that nice eyes and a nice smile are important. Braden stated that “I usually notice the true inner beauty once getting to know someone” and said that being “faithful, open minded and honest” were things he favoured as opposed to the size of a woman’s waist.

Operation Beautiful

Operation Beautiful is an organisation set up to try and change the way we see beauty in a light hearted, upbeat way.

Do your part. Whether you forward the link on to a friend or post this blog up on facebook. Write an anonymous note to leave in public! It can be anywhere; university, college, the car park, the supermarket, a telephone box, a changing room! Give someone a compliment. It's in your hands.

Be happy.

Be healthy.

Be beautiful.

Baby please come back


It wasn't you
Baby it was me


Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though




I'll write something creative soon... Promise.

I can't tell you how it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like

First of all, I’d like to apologise for my lack of posting. As an aspiring writer, it’s terrible practice to not write regularly but sometimes, my mind is clogged up with so many thoughts and ideas, they’re too tangled and intertwined to get out coherently. My genuine intent was to write up something truly inspirational for you about the perception of beauty, but a strange feeling of passive cynicism is preventing me from doing so.

There’s a saying that ‘bad luck always comes in threes’. Well, I don’t know about you, but the number ‘two’ seems to be draining me emotionally at the moment. Twice in two months, by two different people close to me have said something along the lines of “I lied to you... To everyone”. You’d think that when something shocking and unwarranted like that hits you like a train, shattering your happy perception of the relationship that you had, you’d feel angry and couldn’t forgive and forget. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to have someone you honestly believed in, turn out to not be the person that you thought they were. To get it twice in quick succession was so terrible it was laughable. Part of me thinks that I should have known... The only way I can explain how I feel, is simply: dark water.

You might have experienced it yourself. You spend all day down on beach where the water is the most impressive eye popping colour of aqua you’ve ever seen and the sand is silky fine and crisp white. You spend all afternoon swimming in the water with little care in the world. Lost in the happy times. Care free. But after you’ve watched the sun sink into the horizon, taking away the light it blessed you with, all that is left is a vast expanse of darkness. The sea is still soothing and serene... Calm looking and calm sounding as it laps up onto the shore. Nothing has changed. Other than the fact you can’t see what’s hiding beneath it. Conflicting waves, thoughts, drifting in and out of consciousness.

I don’t feel like kicking and screaming. I don’t feel like crying and sobbing. I feel calm on the surface and full of thoughts and philosophies on the inside. Maybe it’s just a strong example of how naive I was. Maybe it is real life proof that dreams and happy endings don’t actually happen. If they do, maybe it’s punishment for actually believing I could have it in the first place. Maybe liars are liars and will stay that way forever. Maybe they’re cold hearted and manipulative.

weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

So that person lied to you, but eventually came clean. They didn’t have to. They could have carried on lying. Or fallen off the face of the planet. So why didn’t they? Maybe the simple action of telling the truth shows a simple act of respect bigger than the lie itself. Maybe they loved and/or cared for you at one point or another and felt the need to protect you from the things they saw as negative traits in themselves. Does the omission or addition of something make them any less of the person you enjoy spending time with if they thought it was in your best interests?

People often roll their eyes at me because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. My friend Adrian has become one of my most trusted confidants and he often rolls his eyes when I defend the people he believes have wronged me. My ‘glass half full’ attitude often means that I’m often considered by most as naive and immature for almost 21. Sometimes I’m tricked into feeling that they’re right.

But they’re not. If you care about someone enough to defend their actions, perhaps it’s a sign from someone, somewhere that the chapter of your life that you thought had closed, has only just begun. I’m not so idealistic to say that those complicated chapters will turn into a happy ending. I’m not so foolish to think that everyone who has wronged you might have just made a mistake. I know that there are bad people in the world out to hurt you and use you. Trust your gut instinct. Go with what feels right. What do you have to lose? You have no one to justify yourself to but yourself. Be honest and open hearted and open minded. Those who repeatedly let you down filter out throughout the plot. Those who support you throughout your journey are etched on the pages of your memory until the very end. Sometimes, you love the people who do wrong things for who they are (no matter what) and who you are when you're with them.

Just a little bit of cryptic nostalgia:

Bridges

Have you ever heard the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”? There’s a phrase similar in the blogging world, suggesting if you have nothing to write about, do not write at all. So I’d like to apologise for my absence. However, I’m posting today to share with you my recent thoughts about friendship and growing up.

I often find myself sitting indoors on a Friday night, browsing through facebook profiles belonging to people I went to high school with. They’ve changed just as much as I have and the hundreds of drunken photographs prove as such. My lack of social life recently has led me to believe that perhaps I’m watching life pass me by. However upon thinking further about it, I’ve made a realisation. If I could change the situation I was in, would I be seen with the people who I stalk on facebook? No. High school was one of the worst times of my life and the people there are some of the worst I’ve met.

In my early teens my mum would constantly be saying “If they told you to put your head in a fire, would you do it?” Although I’d shake my head, I really meant yes. In the past, I’d taken home dozens of empty alcohol bottles to cover for a ‘friends’ alcohol problem (which of course got me into trouble). I told my ‘friends’ that I’d had sex because I thought everyone else was doing it too and helped tease the science teacher because everyone else was doing it. I insisted that I had to have the trendiest variations of the school uniform and the latest technology. Looking back, my ‘friends’ weren’t ‘friends’ and I often found myself changing to try and please them. It’s funny, as over the years a number of the ‘cool’ people or the ‘bullies’, or the people I tried to impress from high school have contacted me. Messages such as “You got hot”, “you’re a babe” and “are you single?” have come and gone over the years as I’ve lost weight, grown and matured. Going out with those people wouldn’t make me happy. Maybe I haven’t gotten thousands of drunken photographs with every person in a club, but the people I choose to spend my time with, I trust and love. I know they like me for me. Luckily when I started college I was happy to express myself the way I wanted to and enjoyed life being myself, instead of someone who I thought I had to be. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I’ve often been ashamed to say that some of my closest friends I’ve never met in real life, but have had the pleasure of talking to almost every day for the past seven years. There’s a social stigma that plagues internet relationships and friendships, in fear that the people we're talking to aren’t who they say they are. Worried my ‘real life’ friends and family would judge my ‘online’ friends and family, I’ve tried to keep them separate. However in recent months, I’ve been happy to be open about who I talk to as I’ve found the people I love have never judged me and never would.

I’m not a clubbing person. I’d prefer to stargaze alone in a field in the middle of nowhere, or curl up with a book, or stay in with a bottle of wine and a pizza with my best friends. I prioritise looking after my family, finding work and university over other things, and it often means I can’t see my friends as much as I’d like to. I’ve lost touch with some people that I miss dearly. Therefore, technology is a great thing. I’ve recently gotten back in touch with Sefton and Braden. Both are very important to me and I’m proud of where they’re at in their lives right now. I’m also really enjoying getting to know ‘Liam as himself’ and not ‘Liam from work’, even if he does text me at ridiculous times in the morning. I miss Hana and Lorraine and the fun we have when we’re together but know that they're always at the end of the phone.

I’d like to mention, in the presence of everyone who reads my blog, who I like to consider my best online friends. Ashley, Mary, Jay, Adric, Dex and Mish for being amazing to me despite the distance we have between us. Years have gone by and if I’ve ever needed anyone, they’ve always been there to support me, or tell me to ‘shut the fuck up and stop being a pansy’ (thanks Mish <3).

I’ll leave you with a link to the song 'Stigmatised' by The Calling and a snippet of the lyrics that mean the most to me. I want the acoustic version of this song to be played at my wedding as it’s one of my favourite songs for a number of reasons. It reminds me that time and distance can be overcome for love and friendship, whether you’re 10 miles away or 10,000. Because after all, friendship is still friendship and love is friendship set alight.

“We live our lives on different sides,
But we keep together you and I,
Just live our lives, stigmatised.
We'll live our lives, We'll take the punches everyday.
We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way.
I believe in you, even if no one understands.
I believe in you, and I don't really give a damn.
Stigmatised.
We live our lives on different sides,
But we keep together you and I.
We live our lives on different sides
Stigmatised.”

In my next blog post, I’ll be introducing you to Natalie Chenard, an extremely talented artist and great friend. You’ll be able to learn a little more about her, read her advice for aspiring artists and take a sneaky peek at her work. Be sure to check it out.

Keep Calm and Carry On!

I must admit, I’m not one to follow trends. I’ll wear make up to go to bed and take it off in the morning and I’d much prefer to walk around with my head in a book than don the trendiest labels. So you can imagine my surprise when I came across this fine beauty for the second time, not realising it would be such a hit in fashion:

I first saw this poster in a magazine and hastily ripped it out, sticking it to my notice board. I kept it as a little extra encouragement when doing my university assignments. Slowly but surely, I began seeing it around more often and was excited when I came across the slogan on a hoodie while I was browsing through Selfridges. Unfortunately I didn’t have 52 pounds just rolling around in loose change in the bottom of my bag and I had to walk away feeling a little crestfallen. For those of you who don’t know, here’s the most amazing history about the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On” slogan:

Keep Calm and Carry On was one of three posters produced by the British Government’s Ministry of Information, on the eve of war in 1939. The other two were ‘Freedom is in Peril’ and ‘Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution Will Bring Us Victory’. These posters were plastered everywhere, from shop windows to public transport to keep up British morale. They were simple reassuring instructions, each topped with the commanding seal of King George’s VI’s crown. Two and a half million copies of the Keep Calm and Carry On sheets were printed, but they would be distributed only in the imminent threat of a German invasion. Thankfully, as this never happened, they never saw the light of day and were almost all destroyed. So that might have been that, if one of the few remaining posters hadn’t been discovered in a dusty box, bought at auction and displayed in a bookstore.

Forgive me for feeling patriotic, but such a story makes me proud to be British. The British ‘stiff upper lip’ and persevering persona is still here and I don’t think my post could have come at a better time considering England’s victory match in the World cup on Wednesday.

The Keep Calm and Carry On slogan isn’t something I’m naturally good at following. I’m not a calm person. In fact, I’m far from it. I’m an over thinker and over analyser. I’m quick to worry and difficult to calm down, which I’m sure you’ll agree isn’t the best combination. Consequently, the poster hasn’t just provided me with comfort but made me realise how the support of others can be really important to help divert disaster.

I hope John won’t mind me saying this but when a family member of his passed away I felt terrible. I could do nothing to help him or make him feel better. The fact that he got in touch a few days later and he was coping alright made me wonder how much amazing support he must have had. I could do nothing, yet I checked up on him and bought daffodils in memory of my friend’s loss. I’ll always remember 22^nd April and vow to always buy daffodils. Not only in memory of the person who I wished I could have thanked personally for raising such a good guy, but in support for that good guy, who’s always stood by me.

I admire the fact that Jason has enough support to offer everyone. He looks after his son, supports his sick father and helps out his mother on a daily basis and still has enough time to make sure that I’m doing okay. Yet he never expects anything in return. I was only happy to call him when he needed me recently. And I’d do the same again without a second doubt

I love my mother for understanding the look of anger and despair on and giving me the first Kit Kat chunky from the pack as I cried about boys that I feel have treated me badly.

I love Mary and Addy for being the voices of reason and I love Lorraine for always putting a smile on my face.

The lesson that I’ve learned today is about the importance of support. You may not be able to solve a problem be it your own, a family member’s or a friend’s. But taking a breath, thinking the situation through rationally and giving or receiving support is often all it takes to help.

Take the time to ‘keep calm and carry on’. It’ll benefit yourself and others.

P.S. While I’m taking the time to think about the importance of support, I’d like to thank everyone who’s been reading my blog and commenting. Writing is something I love to do and the fact that you enjoy my blog makes me happy.

P.P.S I have recently found the Keep Calm and Carry On hoodie for 35 pounds and will be investing as soon as I can. ;)

Love & Friendship

When I ask people why they don’t read or write as often as they would like, time seems to be a major issue. I don’t wear a watch. I have no clock in my room and unless my phone is telling me that I am impressively popular, time hinders me not. In fact it passes me by at a leisurely pace. I do have my own distractions though, the first being writing material.

I’ll let you into a secret of mine. I have a number of guilty passions. I love ridiculously high heeled shoes that can only be worn once until they cause permanent damage to your feet. I love underwear made from silk and lace and eyeliner and nail polish of every colour. Of course, a lot of girls do. However another love of mine is stationary. My pupils dilate upon entering stationary and craft shops. Delicately decorated sheets of paper, brightly coloured tissue paper, ribbon, glitter, felt pens. Notebooks particularly make my heart skip a beat. I cherish them and could browse through my own personal heaven all day. Unfortunately, I’m rather obsessive compulsive when it comes to the paper I write on. Searing through my veins may be the next best-selling novel the decade has ever seen (don’t laugh!), but I cannot bring myself to write it in my perfect notebook. My solution to this has been my laptop, which can look particularly dull and monotonous at times.

The second distraction that stops me from writing is location. The sun, catchy tunes and the constant company of my dog means I rarely have time to think during the day. No. Inspiration hits me like a punch to the face in the most inappropriate of places, when I’m left alone to think. Usually this means when I’m lounging in the reclining chair in the garden at two in the morning with a cup of tea, watching the stars pass by in eerie silence. Otherwise inspiration swells inside my heart as I lay awake replaying the day’s events. Luckily, I was armed with a scrap of paper and a crayon when I wrote this short piece. It was written for a number of reasons. Firstly to remember and appreciate the support from my friends. It helped to help me overcome the sadness I've felt. It's also very loosely based on this song, which too has helped me to put things in perspective over the last few weeks.

""Hey hun, Ben’s here so I’m going to head out if you’re sure that you’ll be okay?" said Rob, speaking to her softly. Peeping his head around the door feebly to check on Sarah, a tuft of unwashed hair shot up from her duvet that she’d buried into. He was glad to see such a display as it was the only clue to show that she still existed. Sarah’s heart sank a little out of pity for Rob, who had bravely volunteered to support Sarah through her difficult break up. It felt pathetic to admit that she didn’t want him to leave her alone, so muffled her goodbyes from the comfort of her bed.

“Okay...” was his unconvinced response and Sarah could imagine the frown upon his angelic lips. “Well, I’ll be back later. If you need me for anything at all, just give me a call”. She didn’t respond in fear that she’d beg him not to go. ‘It was late anyway’ she thought, trying to reason with herself. Sleep was what she needed. Not company. As Rob shut the front door quietly behind him, a slow chill ran up her spine. The moment her friend stepped out of her sights it was as if the colour was sucked from the room. This was her first night alone and she tossed and turned restlessly in bed, trying to get herself comfortable. An hour had passed, though it felt like two and Rob had yet to return. Glowering into the darkness of her room, Sarah stubbornly kicked off her sheets as they failed to provide the comfort she was seeking.. It wasn’t so much physical discomfort that kept her awake , but emotional unease.

The woman in the bed was nothing short of a one woman circus these days. She defended herself fiercely at her decision to walk away from her once happy relationship and had found herself imagining many conversations taking place in her head for hours. What had been unsaid, what should have been said and now that she had left, what would never be said. The words echoed clear as day in her mind as she tried to relax. However now friendless, supportless and it being too late in the night to be someone else’s burden, her confidence soon ebbed away. Sarah bit her lip as her heart seemed to slow in her chest and skip irrationally. Sudden waves of anxiety flowed through Sarah’s limbs as she began to panic. Her throat ached as it strained to try and express the pain she was feeling but nothing escaped her lips. It was only when her light flicked on and Rob appeared from nowhere with a look of concern on his face, she realised she had been sobbing.

“Told you I’d be back for you” he whispered, running his fingers through her post break up greasy hair with no disgust or hesitation and she refrained from blowing her nose on his shirt. Sarah almost felt like laughing through her tears at his comment. Of course he would have been back for her. That was the beauty of friendship.”

There are two lessons that I’ve learned recently. I’d like to share them with you.

The first lesson I've learned is that you shouldn't always dismiss people who get mad or upset at you. Keep those people around. They shape you. They move you forward in the world. The people who are quick to tell you that you are wrong, or acting childishly but still stick around to support you (whether they agree with you or not), can often be insulting and at times downright tiresome. But they care. Reassure them that they’re just as important to you as your once lover, if not more so. These people want to see you focus your attentions to people who care about you, not left behind focusing on someone who doesn’t care enough.

The second lesson that I’ve learnt is that although grieving is natural and no one’s fault, the only person to blame for your exaggerated heartbreak is yourself. Let loose and express yourself throughout your grieving process but do not dilly dally on the past. Do not be afraid to talk about the pain you have felt but take time to surround yourself with the people you care about, and the things that you love. Only when you actively move forward can you actively move on.

Here’s a little poem I thought quite fitting. Maybe the character in the poem needs to spend less time dwelling and more time enjoying time by herself.

Absence by Elizabeth Jennings

“I visited the place where we last met.
Nothing was changed, the gardens were well-tended,
The fountains sprayed their usual steady jet;
There was no sign that anything had ended
And nothing to instruct me to forget

The thoughtless birds that shook out of the trees,
Singing an ecstasy I could not share,
Played cunning in my thoughts. Surely in there
Pleasures there could not be a pain to bear
Or any discord shake the level breeze.

It was because the place was just the same
That made your absence seem a savage force,
For under all the gentleness there came
An earthquake tremor: fountain, birds and grass
Were shaken by my thinking of your name”.

To New Beginnings!

For those of you who have yet to stumble across something totally inspirational, I’ll help you find your way. Postsecret is an ongoing community art project, whereby people anonymously ‘post secrets’ and a selection are uploaded every Sunday. I’m completely addicted and Postsecret has become a Sunday morning ritual. There’s something comforting knowing that the people we walk the Earth with but never have the privilege of meeting, have the same hopes, fears, dreams and disappointments. As someone who has always felt like the rest of the world could not possibly understand the intense emotions in my mind, the site helps me to not feel so alone.

I save the ones I relate to most, and have recently thought about writing short stories around the secrets that take my fancy. Today, this one did:

As an aspiring writer, I find it ironic that my life could be put straight into a tacky romance novel. Maybe I should write about it? Then maybe I’d get paid for my heartbreak. It wouldn’t make things better, but at least a new pair of killer shoes would help to ease the pain.

For those who don’t know me personally, I’ve recently come to the end of a relationship that started off perfectly. Lucas was... Lucas is... Perfect in my eyes in every aspect. Not one to anger quickly, he’s thoughtful and honest, confident in himself and his thoughts. He’s a talented musician with an artistic flair that most would kill to have half of. The guy has a sense of maturity, originality and uniqueness that I admired from the start. This isn’t including his smouldering dark eyes and perfect American smile that can light up the town.

I respect Lucas and respect him enough to not get into the ins and outs of where things went wrong. As Nick would say: “Classy lady”. However I will say that I hope the happy endings in novels can happen in real life. I hope that this is the part in the story where the girl leaves the guy because she can’t take anymore and flees. The guy then realises what a terrible mistake he’s made and chases her half way across the world to say “I’m sorry. I love you”. I’d like to say that this adds to my ‘hopelessly romantic’ charm but I’m afraid I’m fresh out of hope. I’m fresh out of romance. I think my love story ends right here. Single.

I’d like take the time now to congratulate my best friend Jason. As I was ending one chapter of my life, he was starting another by being accepted into the University of California. I’m so proud of him. He’s overcome a lot of struggles to get where he is today and I admire him for that. Toasting to new beginnings with him has given me a sense of excitement about the future.

I’ll leave you with a couple of songs that are perfect descriptors of how I've felt about my heartache over the last few weeks. But I’ll also leave you with the knowledge that I’m looking forward to everything that life has to give me and I'm moving forward.