Love & Friendship

When I ask people why they don’t read or write as often as they would like, time seems to be a major issue. I don’t wear a watch. I have no clock in my room and unless my phone is telling me that I am impressively popular, time hinders me not. In fact it passes me by at a leisurely pace. I do have my own distractions though, the first being writing material.

I’ll let you into a secret of mine. I have a number of guilty passions. I love ridiculously high heeled shoes that can only be worn once until they cause permanent damage to your feet. I love underwear made from silk and lace and eyeliner and nail polish of every colour. Of course, a lot of girls do. However another love of mine is stationary. My pupils dilate upon entering stationary and craft shops. Delicately decorated sheets of paper, brightly coloured tissue paper, ribbon, glitter, felt pens. Notebooks particularly make my heart skip a beat. I cherish them and could browse through my own personal heaven all day. Unfortunately, I’m rather obsessive compulsive when it comes to the paper I write on. Searing through my veins may be the next best-selling novel the decade has ever seen (don’t laugh!), but I cannot bring myself to write it in my perfect notebook. My solution to this has been my laptop, which can look particularly dull and monotonous at times.

The second distraction that stops me from writing is location. The sun, catchy tunes and the constant company of my dog means I rarely have time to think during the day. No. Inspiration hits me like a punch to the face in the most inappropriate of places, when I’m left alone to think. Usually this means when I’m lounging in the reclining chair in the garden at two in the morning with a cup of tea, watching the stars pass by in eerie silence. Otherwise inspiration swells inside my heart as I lay awake replaying the day’s events. Luckily, I was armed with a scrap of paper and a crayon when I wrote this short piece. It was written for a number of reasons. Firstly to remember and appreciate the support from my friends. It helped to help me overcome the sadness I've felt. It's also very loosely based on this song, which too has helped me to put things in perspective over the last few weeks.

""Hey hun, Ben’s here so I’m going to head out if you’re sure that you’ll be okay?" said Rob, speaking to her softly. Peeping his head around the door feebly to check on Sarah, a tuft of unwashed hair shot up from her duvet that she’d buried into. He was glad to see such a display as it was the only clue to show that she still existed. Sarah’s heart sank a little out of pity for Rob, who had bravely volunteered to support Sarah through her difficult break up. It felt pathetic to admit that she didn’t want him to leave her alone, so muffled her goodbyes from the comfort of her bed.

“Okay...” was his unconvinced response and Sarah could imagine the frown upon his angelic lips. “Well, I’ll be back later. If you need me for anything at all, just give me a call”. She didn’t respond in fear that she’d beg him not to go. ‘It was late anyway’ she thought, trying to reason with herself. Sleep was what she needed. Not company. As Rob shut the front door quietly behind him, a slow chill ran up her spine. The moment her friend stepped out of her sights it was as if the colour was sucked from the room. This was her first night alone and she tossed and turned restlessly in bed, trying to get herself comfortable. An hour had passed, though it felt like two and Rob had yet to return. Glowering into the darkness of her room, Sarah stubbornly kicked off her sheets as they failed to provide the comfort she was seeking.. It wasn’t so much physical discomfort that kept her awake , but emotional unease.

The woman in the bed was nothing short of a one woman circus these days. She defended herself fiercely at her decision to walk away from her once happy relationship and had found herself imagining many conversations taking place in her head for hours. What had been unsaid, what should have been said and now that she had left, what would never be said. The words echoed clear as day in her mind as she tried to relax. However now friendless, supportless and it being too late in the night to be someone else’s burden, her confidence soon ebbed away. Sarah bit her lip as her heart seemed to slow in her chest and skip irrationally. Sudden waves of anxiety flowed through Sarah’s limbs as she began to panic. Her throat ached as it strained to try and express the pain she was feeling but nothing escaped her lips. It was only when her light flicked on and Rob appeared from nowhere with a look of concern on his face, she realised she had been sobbing.

“Told you I’d be back for you” he whispered, running his fingers through her post break up greasy hair with no disgust or hesitation and she refrained from blowing her nose on his shirt. Sarah almost felt like laughing through her tears at his comment. Of course he would have been back for her. That was the beauty of friendship.”

There are two lessons that I’ve learned recently. I’d like to share them with you.

The first lesson I've learned is that you shouldn't always dismiss people who get mad or upset at you. Keep those people around. They shape you. They move you forward in the world. The people who are quick to tell you that you are wrong, or acting childishly but still stick around to support you (whether they agree with you or not), can often be insulting and at times downright tiresome. But they care. Reassure them that they’re just as important to you as your once lover, if not more so. These people want to see you focus your attentions to people who care about you, not left behind focusing on someone who doesn’t care enough.

The second lesson that I’ve learnt is that although grieving is natural and no one’s fault, the only person to blame for your exaggerated heartbreak is yourself. Let loose and express yourself throughout your grieving process but do not dilly dally on the past. Do not be afraid to talk about the pain you have felt but take time to surround yourself with the people you care about, and the things that you love. Only when you actively move forward can you actively move on.

Here’s a little poem I thought quite fitting. Maybe the character in the poem needs to spend less time dwelling and more time enjoying time by herself.

Absence by Elizabeth Jennings

“I visited the place where we last met.
Nothing was changed, the gardens were well-tended,
The fountains sprayed their usual steady jet;
There was no sign that anything had ended
And nothing to instruct me to forget

The thoughtless birds that shook out of the trees,
Singing an ecstasy I could not share,
Played cunning in my thoughts. Surely in there
Pleasures there could not be a pain to bear
Or any discord shake the level breeze.

It was because the place was just the same
That made your absence seem a savage force,
For under all the gentleness there came
An earthquake tremor: fountain, birds and grass
Were shaken by my thinking of your name”.