I can't tell you how it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like

First of all, I’d like to apologise for my lack of posting. As an aspiring writer, it’s terrible practice to not write regularly but sometimes, my mind is clogged up with so many thoughts and ideas, they’re too tangled and intertwined to get out coherently. My genuine intent was to write up something truly inspirational for you about the perception of beauty, but a strange feeling of passive cynicism is preventing me from doing so.

There’s a saying that ‘bad luck always comes in threes’. Well, I don’t know about you, but the number ‘two’ seems to be draining me emotionally at the moment. Twice in two months, by two different people close to me have said something along the lines of “I lied to you... To everyone”. You’d think that when something shocking and unwarranted like that hits you like a train, shattering your happy perception of the relationship that you had, you’d feel angry and couldn’t forgive and forget. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to have someone you honestly believed in, turn out to not be the person that you thought they were. To get it twice in quick succession was so terrible it was laughable. Part of me thinks that I should have known... The only way I can explain how I feel, is simply: dark water.

You might have experienced it yourself. You spend all day down on beach where the water is the most impressive eye popping colour of aqua you’ve ever seen and the sand is silky fine and crisp white. You spend all afternoon swimming in the water with little care in the world. Lost in the happy times. Care free. But after you’ve watched the sun sink into the horizon, taking away the light it blessed you with, all that is left is a vast expanse of darkness. The sea is still soothing and serene... Calm looking and calm sounding as it laps up onto the shore. Nothing has changed. Other than the fact you can’t see what’s hiding beneath it. Conflicting waves, thoughts, drifting in and out of consciousness.

I don’t feel like kicking and screaming. I don’t feel like crying and sobbing. I feel calm on the surface and full of thoughts and philosophies on the inside. Maybe it’s just a strong example of how naive I was. Maybe it is real life proof that dreams and happy endings don’t actually happen. If they do, maybe it’s punishment for actually believing I could have it in the first place. Maybe liars are liars and will stay that way forever. Maybe they’re cold hearted and manipulative.

weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rape yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

So that person lied to you, but eventually came clean. They didn’t have to. They could have carried on lying. Or fallen off the face of the planet. So why didn’t they? Maybe the simple action of telling the truth shows a simple act of respect bigger than the lie itself. Maybe they loved and/or cared for you at one point or another and felt the need to protect you from the things they saw as negative traits in themselves. Does the omission or addition of something make them any less of the person you enjoy spending time with if they thought it was in your best interests?

People often roll their eyes at me because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. My friend Adrian has become one of my most trusted confidants and he often rolls his eyes when I defend the people he believes have wronged me. My ‘glass half full’ attitude often means that I’m often considered by most as naive and immature for almost 21. Sometimes I’m tricked into feeling that they’re right.

But they’re not. If you care about someone enough to defend their actions, perhaps it’s a sign from someone, somewhere that the chapter of your life that you thought had closed, has only just begun. I’m not so idealistic to say that those complicated chapters will turn into a happy ending. I’m not so foolish to think that everyone who has wronged you might have just made a mistake. I know that there are bad people in the world out to hurt you and use you. Trust your gut instinct. Go with what feels right. What do you have to lose? You have no one to justify yourself to but yourself. Be honest and open hearted and open minded. Those who repeatedly let you down filter out throughout the plot. Those who support you throughout your journey are etched on the pages of your memory until the very end. Sometimes, you love the people who do wrong things for who they are (no matter what) and who you are when you're with them.

Just a little bit of cryptic nostalgia: